Are those.... butterflies?

I don't get nervous very often. Speaking, performing, testing.... they just don't affect me very much. And it's been that way for me for a long time. I'm the same about getting embarrassed... just doesn't happen to me much. This is why I was so suprised when I had basically had an anxiety attack the other night. Now, it wasn't like full-blown and I was just sitting in my room by myself. So what was making me so nervous? um..... you're never going to guess...... but I was getting nervous about Hudson coming home.


It all started Wednesday night when I was e-mailing with him. It was like midnight and I was trying to kill time while he responded. I was doing the usual: checking blogs, facebook stalking, and watching "House." While facebooking, I came across several sites related to girls with missionaries. I was playing around and reading some of thier stories. It's actually really funny because I'm "old" concidered to all of the girls. I mean.... I only have 5 months left. (P.S. the picture is is of my link chain that is pinned to my wall.... only about 150 days)


I was reading stats and only 1 in 7 girls actually WAIT for their missionaries. Of those that wait, 1 in 10 end up marrying their missionary. Now, I'm absolutely positive that Hudson and I will get married... I'm not doubting that, or my love for him. The thing that makes me nervous it what is going to happen when he gets home.... just the every day things. I want things to be how they used to be, but at the same time I don't. I want to go back to talking about everything, but at the same time I don't want to go back to not having anything to say to each other over dinner. I want to go back to being comfortable enough with each other that we don't have to put on faces, but at the same time I don't want to be so comfortable that we don't dress up for each other or remember the "little" things. I want to go back to SHARING everything with each other, but I don't want to go back to using him for his generousness.


We've both changed a lot in the last 2 years and I'm just a little apprehensive of how it'll all play out. I can't WAIT til he gets home. I just want to get on with this part of my life. But I hope that I'll always remember this feeling right now. I hope I always remember what it's like to be without him and never take it for granted when I'm with him. And most of all, I hope I remember forever how much I love him.